


Planet of the Birds

by raving_liberal



Series: Tony and Nebula's Wacky Space Adventures [1]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Sesame Street (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Crack, Gen, Gross Misuse Of A Beloved Sesame Street Character, Just Pure Absurdist Crack, Name-Calling, Nebula Is An Asshole, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Threats, Tony Stark Loses His Very Last Bit Of Innocence And Whimsy, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 17:39:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14598255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raving_liberal/pseuds/raving_liberal
Summary: Tony and Nebula end up on a planet full of Big Birds, so... that's a thing.





	Planet of the Birds

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tessisamess](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tessisamess/gifts).



> Edited by David of Oz, who was probably thinking "what the actual F*CK, Rav?" when he first saw this. 
> 
> To Tess, with love <3 <3 <3

Tony and Nebula’s pooled mental resources get them off Titan after about two weeks, Earth-time, if Tony trusts his internal clock, which he does. The ship they cobble together isn’t pretty, but it’s space-worthy enough for small hops. Unfortunately for Tony, those hops seem to take them farther and farther from Earth. 

“I hate to be the naysayer on this little three-hour tour, but I have the distinct impression that we’re going the wrong way,” Tony says to Nebula’s back. She’s hunched, muttering to herself, over the control panel. Their makeshift ship has no windows, but Nebula jerry-rigged an external camera using some of Tony’s nanites and her cybernetic eye. Unfortunately for Tony, the camera is wired directly into Nebula’s eye, so he’s entirely reliant on her for navigation. 

“You’re wrong,” Nebula says. She doesn’t turn to look at him. 

Tony frowns. “We should rewire the camera through my suit. With a little tweaking, I could—”

“You could not,” Nebula says. “We’re going in the right direction.”

“And what direction is that?” Tony asks.

“The one we’re going.”

“Right,” Tony says, with a loud sigh. Long hours pass in silence, as they have ever since they’d launched from Titan. Tony dozes a little, not quite deeply enough to dream, and he snaps awake at the sound of Nebula’s voice.

“Thanos is on your Terra. I wish to go there as much as you,” Nebula says, “but we would be fools to attempt the journey in this inadequate vessel. We need a better ship.”

“Okay, fair enough,” Tony says. “Where are we getting a better ship?”

“Voltrien.”

“And Voltrien is?”

“A planet,” Nebula says tersely.

“Right. And they have a better ship?” Tony asks. 

Nebula grunts what Tony assumes is an affirmative. “Carfevel of Voltrien owes me a significant debt for sparing his life. He will provide me with a ship or money for a ship, or I’ll see that debt paid in blood and will take a ship by force.”

“Well, that’s not at all terrifying,” Tony says. “I guess we’re going to Voltrien, Smurfette.”

***

“Big Birds,” Tony says in awe, as he looks around the city square of Parcell, the largest city on Voltrien. “It’s a planet full of Big Birds.”

Nebula shoots him a look of pure, unadulterated loathing. “Yes, stupid Terran. They are large birds. You’re so clever.”

“No, _Big Bird_. He’s a— You know, nevermind.” Tony huffs and returns to his Big Bird watching. Big Birds mill about what looks like an open-air marketplace. Big Birds wave to each other from the upper windows of two and three story buildings painted bright, giddy colors. Big Birds hang bleached-white laundry—vests, robes, long strips of fabric Tony guesses might be nesting material—on clotheslines running between cerulean and fuchsia walls. Canary-yellow feathers flutter through the air, swirling in invisible eddies. 

“You stay with the vessel. I will find Carfevel,” Nebula says. “Try not to do anything stupid that will get you killed.”

“By Big Birds.”

“Yes, idiot. The big birds will rend your flesh with their evil, yellow beaks. They’ll pick your bones from your metal suit like garganfruit from the rind,” Nebula says in disgust. 

“But they’re Big Birds,” Tony says. “Big Bird is gentle and loving.”

“Voltrien was once home to the Pommen tribe,” Nebula says. “The big birds devoured them, down to the last child. Stay with the vessel.”

“Jim Henson _lied_ to us?” Tony says.

“The Hen-Sons led the uprising against the Pommen. The Hen-Daughters pecked the marrow from Pommen bones to feed to their chicks.”

“God, I hate space,” Tony says. “Space ruins everything. Space ruins _Sesame Street_.” 

“Stay,” Nebula says firmly. She abruptly turns and stalks off through the streets of Parcell, leaving Tony to watch the Big Birds haggle over produce while their children played hopping games in the chalky streets. 

“Big Bird was a lie,” Tony whispers to himself.

***

Tony no longer has the heart or the fucks to disobey Nebula’s instructions. He stays with the vessel and Big Bird watches in silence for hours. The first of three suns sets, then the second, and the third hovers low on the horizon when Nebula comes running back up the street towards him.

“Ready the vessel!” she shouts. Several angry-looking Big Birds, dressed in gleaming white robes and carrying brilliantly glimmering spears, pursue her from a dozen or so yards back. Tony scrambles back into the vessel, flipping switches and activating the nanites. The small engines roar to life just as Nebula throws herself through the hatch, slamming it closed behind her. “Why aren’t you lifting off?” she demands.

“I’m trying! It’s a little hard to do this with no cameras or windows or real navigation system.”

“Move! I’ll do it myself!”

“Hey! I built this ship,” Tony says. “Pretty much all you did was wire your eyeball into it.”

“You are as useless as an expired can of veel oil!” Nebula grumbles. She grabs the wire that runs to the camera and jabs it into her eye. Tony only refrains from wincing through the power of his dislike for her. She leans across Tony and throws a switch forward, sending their small craft lurching into the air just as the Big Birds’ spears begin dinging off the hull.

“So, I take it the meeting with Carfevel didn’t go well,” Tony says. 

“The High Winglings pecked him to death and devoured his tender flesh seventy-three sun cycles ago,” Nebula says.

“Big Birds are _cannibals_? I hate everything! I can’t believe you brought me to this planet and ruined Big Bird for me. God, I can’t _wait_ to get back to Earth and get rid of you!” 

“And I would gladly sell your stupid Terran corpse for enough money to purchase a well-honed knife with which to slit my own throat, just to be rid of _you_.”

“Great. Excessive and violent, and excessively violent, but great. So we’re on the same page,” Tony says, with an exasperated sigh. This was going to be a long and miserable trek back to Earth. “Where to next?”


End file.
